When my best friends, Brion & Chonda announced they were having a baby this year, I was so very excited for them!!!
Then my excitement turned to maternity photography to help them document this special time in their lives.
I’m looking forward to meeting their son OR daughter (they decided to be surprised)!
Next, I have to convince them to do newborn photos.
See a couple more outtakes here
I wrote this story about my brother months ago but was afraid to post it but with many stories out about mentally ill citizens, I found the courage.
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My Brother, my first friend, has always been special to me.
Growing up, it seemed like I was the only person who understood him. When he would talk, it was like no one knew what he was saying and would often asked me what he was saying or trying to say. I always understood him perfectly.
Although he was my best friend and brother, I used to get mad when we were kids and I would attempt to leave the house to play with my friends and my momma would say, “Take your brother with you.”
As we entered our teens, we went our separate ways socially. Topot became much more outgoing and popular. When he entered high school, all of the sudden I became his cousin. That’s what he told people. He was TOO cool to be my brother I guess.
But in his first couple of years in high school even with his popularity, he became different and it came and went. I did not understand this change in him. Eventually he started talking in different voices, had severe mood shifts and his sleeping pattern changed.
Later he was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. This was a familiar term to me because my grandmother, “Mommie,” suffered with the same illness for many, many years.
It’s brutal….
With the help of medication, Topot got much better and was back to himself. We went back to being normal but only when he took his meds consistently.
As he got older, he was not as keen on taking pills to make him “normal” and this started his journey that would take him away from our family.
Fast forward to today…. When I see him, I recognize him but not as my little brother and my friend. He’s different, despondent, disconnected from reality, in his own shadow world of happiness fueled by nicotine, blank stares and self-soothing behaviors.
He reminds me of the homeless guys you see downtown in any city, kinda minding his own business, sometimes in your face begging for money.
It hurts to see him this way. We’ve tried every avenue available. There is usually success for a while but then it always slips back.
On one of the last occasions I saw Topot, he looked into my eyes but all I saw was this blank stare. I felt his eyes should have connected with mine but the forces in his head created difficulty.
Having a loved one who’s dealing with a severe mental health issues is daunting. Not a joke. Certainly heartbreaking!
My mother, Stella and I around 1986, maybe 1987.
My cousin recently sent me this photo and it put such a smile on my face. I haven’t seen it in YEARS! And looking at the photo, I see my youngest daughter, Amelia in my face, my little beautiful twin.
My momma is my one true friend and I love everything about her, even when she’s driving me nuts. She’s beautiful, smart, inspiring, a survivor, my biggest cheerleader, and probably one of the funniest people in my life. And… I’m not sure who talks more stuff, her or I.
My momma, my boo!
The summer of 1990, I visited my father for the summer. It was nothing especially interesting about that visit but I enjoyed my time with him as always.
During that visit, we listened to a lot of music. He was sort of an inspiration to explore different music. During the course of the summer, I played his Sinéad O’Connor “I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got” album to death.
I found it funny that my father 40 year old something enjoyed the music of some bald headed Irish chick.
I loved many of the songs from the album, especially “You Cause as Much Sorrow.” Days after my father died, I played this album and reminisced.
The other song that I love is “The Last Day of Our Acquaintance.” I never really understood the song but at the same time I did. It’s just so damn sad.
Last week, I listened to the song after I left the last “supervised visit” that I had with my youngest daughter, Amelia.
Parting was very sorrowful but necessary. I attended these visits for four months. The first one was great but the following meetings were the stuff of parental nightmares.
Before walking away from the emotional torment, I told her that I loved her, will always love her and will be there when she is ready to talk and reconnect in a meaningful way.
She told me that she never wanted to see me again. I told her that was impossible. Every time you look in the mirror, you will see me. My eyes, my nose, my lips, my ears and my skin. You are me…
Unfortunately, I had the same conversation with her older sister Olivia months ago.
A tough decision for sure and something I would not wish on anyone. Although the decision was a tough one, I’m OK. I experience so much hurt last year that I have none left to give. Bad and good.
Experiencing the last day of seeing your child’s face is just.
Now, I’m a single guy with 2 daughters out there floating around who get a child support check, no love, no connection. Blah… A nigga tried.
It wasn’t all that long ago when I photographed my friends Reggie & Adrienne getting married.. Time is flying and babies are popping up.
So excited about their next phase of life! Like the rest of our friends, I’m dying to know the measurements of Baby Boy Butler. His dad is super tall!!! I need to start a betting pool.
See a few outtake photos here…
I talk about my father all the time; sometimes with friends or family but most often with myself. It’s hard for me not to even years after he left this planet.
Some bonds simply cannot be broken…
Last year, I saw a tarot card reader and she read three cards that made me think after being shaken. She talked of unbreakable connections and movement. My father and children were all that I saw flashing in my mind.
The above photo of my father is from his military days. I love seeing myself in his eyes. My daughters in his eyes.
Tonight, I will celebrate in my father’s memory, love and unbreakable bond.
Unrelated Fact About Me: “Unbreakable” by M. Night Shyamalan is one of my favorite movies.
In honor of my father and other US Veterans….
Looking at the calendar is hard this time of year is always hard because my dad’s birthday is in a few days…
I always celebrate in his memory. It’s the right thing to do.
After several months of tears, investigations, drama, lies, bitch moves and more, I’m so happy to say that my divorce is final.
Walking out of the courthouse today, I so jumped up & did a mid air kick, while sing my theme song.
I’m a free man with 99 problems and a… you know the rest!
There were some good times for sure but it was all balanced with more than enough bad times. It was a long and eventually soul-draining learning experience that contained very little positivity.
Now, it’s time for some healing, working on repairing the collateral damage & mapping course for my next set of adventures.
During my recent trip home, I “discovered” a super old & awesome photo of my grandparents, Daniel & Mary Lee Howard.
Daniel and Mary were married in the 1940s and had 11 children, two more than my maternal grandparents Edward & Essie Mae Stevenson.
I just can’t imagine having that many children but that was the way it was way back when.
I don’t remember much of my grandfather but I can tell you that he is the person that got me hooked on salt and vinegar potato chips and he is the reason why I never wanted to get my ear pieced. I can still hear him talking about my cousin Red Bone’s piercing. It wasn’t pretty.
On the flip side, I spent a lot of time with my grandmother. She was everything! When I think of her to this day I can hear her voice and how she would say my name.
I still miss her fried chicken. Ain’t nobody on this planet that can fry a chicken like Mary Howard!
“Don’t you let your young life get you down
It always had a certain mystery
Many changes come to everyone
About the time that they turn seventeen.Grandma said at times you’ll feel a sting
There’ll be sharp turns and uphills and closed doors
Then she said hold on to your faith
‘Cause in this world you’ve got to go and get yours.So you stand up, be strong go out there
Hold on to the real things that matter
‘Cause no one’s gonna hand it to you on a silver platter…Don’t be scared go out there
Just stand up, my brother, sister
Hold on to the real things that matter
‘Cause no one’s gonna hand it to you on a silver platter.”
Brother Sister by The Brand New Heavies ~ 1994
I had to make a trip to Alabama the other day to tend to some family matters and had one of the best times ever back home.
My baby sister, Sade and I had a chance to have a nice heart to heart discussion about life and other things large and small.
There was a brother•sister reconciliation and some needed face to face time.
I haven’t seen her in a couple of months and she is really maturing and becoming a little lady. And her sense of style has become more girly, which I find to be awesome.
And then the other shoe dropped when I was surprised by my cousin Dan, whom I haven’t seen since my father passed 11 years ago. Actually, I didn’t even remember seeing him then but obviously, I had a lot going on. What I do remember was seeing him over 20 years ago before he shipped off with the Marines. It was great catching up.
On the way home, I stopped at a little fruit stand for a snack and was surprised to find muscadines for sale. I haven’t had a muscadine since I moved from Alabama (Birmingham to be exact) back in 79.
Smelling them brought back some memories… While I enjoyed my rememories, the clerk told me to take a bag of them home. Gotta love southern hospitality
Immediately afterward, I called my mother to tell her of my find and she got excited. Later I surprised her by regifting her with the muscadines.
She told me how she enjoyed eating them fresh from the vine WAY BACK WHEN as a girl. I love hearing her stories, always a great laugh.
Overall, the last 2 days were a mixed bag of good, laughter and reconnections.
Side Note: Why are we standing the same way in the photo above? Family…
My parrot, Tongi and I have been together now for almost 18 years. I got her when she was about 4 months old.
When she came home with me, I was still hand feeding her. This of course strengthened our long father daughter relationship. To this day, she still flies to me for food and she is quite spoiled.
Over the last 5 years or so she has attempted to make a nest in her cage. She once took a brazil nut and cared for it as if it was an egg. It was funny and sad at the same time. Eventually, she gave up on the nut and destroyed her haphazard nest.
About three weeks ago, I noticed her constructing a new nest & was like oh boy here we go again. Days later, I noticed that she was really sitting in this nest. I leaned in on the cage and she happened to get up and come to me. When she moved, a little white egg was revealed. I actually scream aloud. What the hell? What? WHAT!!!!!!
Yeah, I was shocked.
Because she does not have a mate, the egg wasn’t fertile. Nature just ran it’s course and Tongi officially became a hen.
I did a little reading and found that this was nothing unusual. But still. WOW!!!
Over the last two weeks, Tongi laid two more eggs for a total of three.
I let the eggs stay with her for a while as she seemed to enjoy sitting on them. Most recently, I noticed that she kicked them to the side and stopped giving them any attention, so I removed them. She didn’t even care.
I’m still in shock but proud of my baby and her tiny clutch of eggs.
FYI, Tongi is a Nanday Conure and you can read about genus here.
About eight years ago, my oldest daughter, Olivia made this sign for me and since then, I have kept the picture in my office. It serves as a reminder, motivation, & inspiration.
She was daddy’s girl. I remember those days well. Life is different now but memories always remain.
It’s been months since I left the planet that was destroying my life. Up until my departure, I questioned myself; is this the best thing for me to do. Should I walk away to prevent my children seeing their parents tearing each other apart. Should I walk away to save myself.
The answer may have been hard but it was for sure a yes on all counts. Walking away is tough but sometime necessary.
I was cautioned by several that if I walk, it may be a while, long while before I could spend time with my children. I didn’t want to believe it but the advice came to pass. It was true.
Being a father is complicated and I feel that we often do not get the support that mothers get, socially, judicially etc.
I NEVER thought that I would be one of those fathers that wanted to see, love, support, joke with his children but could not because of the other parent being an obstacle.
These last four months feel like fourteen. I’m looking forward to the time when this just a memory and I am embracing my daughters as I have since the day they entered this world baring my likeness, my blood, my name.
With all this said, trouble don’t last always and here’s a shout out to the men who understand the shoes that I’m walking in.