2012 was a bitch & my boo at the same damn time! Here are my top 10 highlights:

• Hearing my sweet baby Amelia tell me that she missed & loved me after not seeing each other for 8 months.
• Finalization of my divorce & My EPIC “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” divorce party.
• College graduation & party. The party & the morning after was some of the sexiest shit ever.
• My trip to Los Angeles: Having Lunch with my boo, Los Angelista at the La Brea Tar Pits: Having lunch with my boo, Ayanna at the Getty, Brunching with my boo, Thembi at Taste, Riding around & getting it with my niggas, Marcel & Asia, ya bish & of course the LA Sip & See at Lola’s with all of my west coast family…
• Traipsing around Brooklyn with Cousin Dee & landing in Hotel Delano.
• Listening to Kendrick Lamar’s “Good Kid, M.A.A.D City” album for the 1st time.
• Making the New York Times Style section.
• My parrot, Tongi laying 4 eggs.
• Being surrounded by love & support from my great friends and family.
• Re-connecting with my big cousin Danny.

Hit up my favorite portraits from the year…..

After several months of tears, investigations, drama, lies, bitch moves and more, I’m so happy to say that my divorce is final.

Walking out of the courthouse today, I so jumped up & did a mid air kick, while sing my theme song.

I’m a free man with 99 problems and a… you know the rest!

There were some good times for sure but it was all balanced with more than enough bad times. It was a long and eventually soul-draining learning experience that contained very little positivity.

Now, it’s time for some healing, working on repairing the collateral damage & mapping course for my next set of adventures.

11 years ago, I got a call from my mother that changed my life. She called to tell me that my father, R.L. Howard died.

I was crushed. Devastated. Confused. Fucked up!

Although many years have passed, it still feels like yesterday. I still get the urge to dial his number. I still imagine him calling me to talk “stuff.”

Even being practically 40, I still need my father.

Usually on this day, I am emotionally unsteady, but today, I’m feeling great. Weekend plans have partially diverted my attention. Life continues…

This morning, I was working from home and just thinking about STUFF. I’m not sure where my mood was but I think I was feeling OK. Just OK.

Then out of the clear blue, my aunt sends me a random text message that said “Three Times a Lady” and attached was a photo of my grandmother whom everyone called Mommie.

After seeing Mommie’s photo, I felt energized. Happy. Inspired. Reminiscent.

Mommie always made me laugh, always told me that I was the best & always beat my ass when I got out of line.

Mommie was and still is everything in my life. She is the center of my creative world. She is my MUSE!

On this day last week at this time, I was sitting in my new space reflecting on the move that I made. A move that I NEVER imagined that I would ever make had you asked me 1 year ago but here I am. Almost single; wondering when I will see my daughters, wondering how they are doing, feeling, acting.

Today, a week after I left a world that was destroying me, I am feeling fine, OK, grounded in the belief that this overall drama will pass. Knowing that my babies love me, miss me…. As I feel for them.

The dissolving of a family is tough shit & it’s a great thing to have tons of friends and family here to get through this process.

On a positive note, I feel like I have wings now. I grew a little stronger. The seeds of poison, disgust and envy no longer shadow my every breath or affect my being. Interestingly enough, I did not realize how intense my situation was until I stepped outside of it for a few days and reflected then realized that happiness, comfort, peace & satisfaction does exist.

I will continue to believe in love, family, the black man, woman and child but now I have a different lens in which to view that from. A shattered lens making things seem like some kind of kaleidoscope. I don’t know. Maybe I’m silly….

There is so much more that I want to say here but I just cant, however getting this out was a relief.

Whatever the case;. Don’t worry about me. Don’t worry about me. Don’t worry about me. Baby! Don’t worry about me. Don’t worry about me. Don’t worry about me. Baby! Don’t worry about me. Don’t worry about me. Don’t worry about me. Baby! I’m alright & I’m a human being dammit.

This whole divorce process has been a bitch to say the least. Emotional highs and lows, mental highs and lows, energy highs and lows and everything in between.

Many nights, I felt like Leaving This Planet. Not in ways that are dismal or literal but I needed an escape. A spaceship. A hovercraft. A friendly alien to help me get into a space where I was safe from a crushing perceived reality.

For the longest, Kaye West’s song “Spaceship” was my theme song for so many reasons. Then I heard Mark de Clive-Lowe’s “Leaving this Planet” (vocals by Sharlene Hector) and I started crying (not like a bitch but close). This was some time in the spring of 2011 when my world started to experience change.

Sometimes, I would listen to “Leaving this Planet” on auto play repeat like I was the Rain Man or something. It calmed me. Made me wish. Made me…….

This evening while driving home, I was reflecting on the events of my day and “Leaving this Planet” came on the iPod. At the moment, I started driving a little slower to enjoy the 4:47 minutes of happiness that the song brings me.

Like most, I can use music as a marker for many events in my life. A life soundtrack if you will….

As time is passing, I’m only getting stronger.

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Mark de Clive-Lowe – Leaving this Planet

10 years ago, I met Cole Jordan and he helped me to get back in school to complete my baccalaureate. Since then, he & his wife Diane have been like parents. Today, I learned that he has been a fugitive for the past 40+ years and is now in jail in California.  I am beyond shocked & devastated as I sit in my office trying not to cry.

I called Diane, the woman that introduced me to Toni Morrison (not the person but the literature) and we comforted each other. I needed to hear her voice and know that she was OK.

For the longest, Cole & I have been planning on getting a coffee to catch up but our busy lives made that meeting not happen.

Now, I’m sitting here wishing that it did. It’s always after the fact….

The fact that Cole turned himself into the authorities speaks volumes to me! I know Cole to be a man of integrity, love, honesty, style, education advocate and most of all, a friend who personifies what a Black man should be.

I have to wrap my head around this. I really do.

I feel for Cole, Diane, and their sons, my brothers from another mother.

I don’t know the facts of the case that got Cole to this point. I don’t know what led to whatever but I have to say that it does sound pretty bad ass. I’m just saying.

To get the backstory, check here. I read it 4 times and still like, just like….

Photo Credit: Michael Macor / San Francisco Chronicle

If I ever want to laugh my ass off when talking to my momma, al I have to o is ask her about her childhood hood & figs.

I called her last week after I picked up a few figs last week & asked if she wanted some & she just went off. It was hilarious.

She was like you know I don’t fuck with no figs. I hate them bitches!!!! I am not making this up. You see, my momma & I are almost one in the same when it comes to cussing & talking all kinds of shit. I love her for that.

When we talk, its nothing but laughs unless when we are talking about my sister & how she owes me all kinds of money. That bitch! OK, wait, let me calm down.

Anyway, so in my home, only Sweet Boo Boo & I enjoy figs & we set these off with the quickness. They were great!

I used to love walking to my job at KFC (Highland Park, MI: Davison & Woodward) listening to my Crystal Waters “Making Happy” maxi single cassette back in the spring/summer of 1991. “Surprise” was & still is my jam.

I had so many maxi cassettes & cassette singles back then. Kinda funny thinking about how I used to walk around with a small bag of tapes.

1991 was a rough year for my family after a bout with homelessness but my Sony Walkman & house music certainly provided an escape & made me happy.

“…I came from what they call a broken home but if they ever really called it a house, they would have known how wrong they were.

We were working on our lives and our homes dealing with what we had not what we didn’t have.

My Life has been guided by women, but because of them, I am a man.

God bless you momma.” ~ 2010 Gil Scott-Heron

Back in November 09, I was finally able to see the movie “Precious” (Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire). I had not read the book prior to seeing the film, but friends who had “warned” me about what to expect.

To put things mildly, what I was told really didn’t prepare me for what I saw. I mean I left the theater without being able to close my mouth from shock.

There were several scenes that had me about to break down in major tears but somehow I was able to keep from going there. The emotional/sexual/physical abuse, overt colorism, etc were almost too much. But… the story of a young woman fighting to survive for her sake & the sake of her children helped me make it through the movie. I was hoping that this girl who had everything against her finally won.

Once I got home, I sat down to figure out how I was going to talk about the movie & was stuck. I guess I was stuck because I felt like I was missing something. What did the movie not cover from the book. And I also wanted to know more about Precious’ friends from the “alternative.” So, at this point, I logged onto Amazon & purchased “Push.”

Flash forward>>>>>>>>>>>>

I’ve read the book & it filled in all of the holes that I knew were missing and I was satisfied knowing the complicated back-stories of Precious’ friends.

One thing that stuck with me through the book was this passage from chapter 1:

“I big, I talk, I eats, I cooks, I laugh, watch TV, do what my muver say. But I can see when the picture come back I don’t exist. Don’t nobody want me. Don’t nobody need me. I know who I am. I know who they say I am-vampire sucking the system’s blood. Ugly black grease to be wipe away, punish, kilt, changed, finded a job for.”
~ Precious

Is the book hard to read? Yes! The vernacular is written phonetically & some may struggle with that as I’ve heard.

Is the book graphic? Hell yes! The book makes the movie look like a PG rated after school special.

My favorite laughable take aways from the book not fully played out in the movie? “Cunt Bucket.” & “Hasta la vista, baby.”

“She look at me like I said I wanna suck a dog’s dick or some shit. What’s with this cunt bucket? (That’s what my muver call women she don’t like, cunt buckets. I kinda get it and I kinda don’t get it, but I like the way it sounds so I say it too.)” ~ Precious

——–

“My muver say, “Eighty –six that bitch.” I says into the intercom. “Hasta la vista, baby.” That’s Spanish for good-bye but when niggers say it, it’s like, kiss my ass.” ~ Precious

Without a doubt, “Push” is a MUST read, if you’ve seen or want to see the movie “Precious! The short novel fills in the missing links & believe me there are many. This is surprising because the book is a quick 192 pages compared to the 110 minute movie.

Flash forward one mo’ gin’ (Negro Dialect)>>>>>>>>>>>>

This past Monday I attended a MLK symposium talk sponsored by the University of Michigan titled “Push, Literacy, Women, and African American Literature” given by poet & novelist Sapphire.

Sapphire coming to town was too much like right! While at the talk, I planned on getting my book autographed & asking some of the pressing questions on my mind regarding the movie & book.

After the very exciting session was said & done, I wasn’t able to get my book signed but I did get the chance to ask two of my three questions which are addressed in the audio link here.

I wish I could have asked my 3rd question regarding the content on 111 para 4. I just wanted to be sure that what I read was what I read & not what I was thinking it was.

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A few of my Tweets from the Talk:

• I’m at the Sapphire lecture & the hall is almost at standing room only. Wow! http://twitpic.com/yoj1t http://twitpic.com/yoj1h
• Sapphire is reading from “Push.” I’m loving this!
• White people are leaving the Sapphire’s talk. I guess they cannot handle her reading from “Push.” Interesting!
• Standing in line to ask Sapphire a question. http://twitpic.com/yow8y
• I actually talked with Sapphire. Posting audio later. I’m excited!!!!
• Sapphire just read this woman who tried to read her. Shit!!!
• Male rape victim now at the mic talking to Sapphire. Wow!
• The line was way too long to get my book signed by Sapphire but I was able to get a photo. Yes! http://twitpic.com/yp4kx

Did you see the movie, read the book or both? What are your thoughts?

Watching this abuse really infuriates me to no end! As you can imagine or should know, I’m not into violence against woman, but I want to slap the shit out of this baby momma.

• 1st Did the dumb hoe recording this think it was that funny?
• 2nd Looks like the momma is more interested in proving a point rather than combing the poor girls hair.
• 3rd If the child is that crazy a quick pop to the back of the head with a brush usually does the trick. There is no need to get fucking crazy like an out of control animal.
• 4th Now that this video has been viewed at least 40k times, can child protective services go check the welfare of the children in this home?
• 5th This is case book study of child abuse.
• 6th Some women really need to be chemically sterilized, fuck the genocide argument.
• 7th Shouldn’t Youtube step up & report the mother/video poster & take down the video?
• 8th I still cannot believe that the momma said “come on sit the fuck down and let me comb this hair” all while the video recorder laughs like a dumb ass.
• 9th Did the little girl really say I hate you? What the hell else is going on in this home?
• 10th I would ask where the father is but I think the answer is already clear.

I’m just saying!